The day started well enough. I had a pretty good day teaching my online classes. I must have looked more cheerful and engaged than usual, because a boy commented that I looked gorgeous. That certainly made my day. As the day progressed, things got more stressful.
I have had this nagging thought since a few days ago, wondering if I am being too nice to people for my own good. It came up because of an interaction with some of my students. They are my school debaters and we have been training online for the past few weeks to prepare for the district level debate competition which will be held later today. Because of the pandemic, the competition will be held online for the first time in history. So, a briefing was given to all the teachers-in-charge of participating schools on the rules and regulations that need to be observed. Part of them touched on things the students should do to avoid cheating, like the computer camera must show the participants' face and part of the table in front of them, using only one device to log onto the Google Meet session for the debate to prevent them searching for information online during the debate. Last Saturday, during online practice, I briefed my school debaters on this. They started arguing about the flaws of these rules, like how the judges were going to know for sure even if they were reading things off the screen, how easy it was to use a second device under the table or outside the camera zone if they wanted to, and the fact that other teams could just be cheating their way through the debate and our school team will be in a disadvantage if we obediently followed the rules. I tried to reason with them and this went on for some time, until even I felt that this was going to far and for too long. But still, I did not raise my voice and assert my authority. I did try on a few attempts but I didn't think they were very successful. Then, other teachers stepped in and it kind of cooled the situation as everyone, including me, was getting really tensed by then.
Belinda was going to come to my house today. She wanted to buy chappati from a shop famous for it, and then bring it to my house for us to enjoy dinner together. So I wanted to ask her opinion about this, as a way for me to vent my feelings and to see what others think of me. Because she is my closest friend, her opinions would matter a lot to me. Eventually, we ended up watching TV during and after dinner, and only engaged in small talk, without me bringing up this topic. She did notice I was a bit emotional at that time, but all I mentioned was how stressed I was anticipating my workload the next day, with my online classes, meeting the debaters for practice in between my classes, then attending the competition in the afternoon, carrying out my adjudicator duties, and finally having a Zoom Parish Liturgical Committee meeting at night.
Now, looking back, I realise I should have asked her outright, "Can we talk?" I'm sure she would have been willing to listen if I had said that. After all, the programmes on TV were not that interesting at one point. But being the usual me who is awkward in most social situations, I did not think of doing that at that moment, being distracted also from the occasional Whatsapp texts that I was receiving, and the occasional interesting bits on TV. There was also a deeply personal matter that I had always wanted to talk to her about, and this did not materialise too. And of course, I have kept this matter in my heart for far too long, which means that I always felt miserable when she had left, because I had to wait for another chance again to talk about it.
Life is to be lived to the fullest, but I seem to be collecting more and more regrets... sigh. When is that day when I can finally make a breakthrough, and can actually be vulnerable enough to talk about how I feel? Right now, I just feel really alone, like the whole world against me, although I know it's because, consciously or subconsciously, I chose not to pour out my feelings. I do hope this won't carry on for any longer, for my own sake and sanity.
