It's been ages since my last post. That's what happens when one gets too busy with life. We just move on from one event to another, like ticking chores off one by one on a to-do list. Well, I created this blog as an emotional outlet, to vent my frustrations, help me process complicated issues, jot down insights etc. Seeing what I've been through lately, this seems to be the perfect time to start blogging again.
Life has not been kind to me lately. Sometime like a month ago, I finally had to accept the fact that the person I had wanted to start a relationship with for as long as I could remember was not really interested to bring our friendship to the next level. Actually, I should have known better that we are highly unlikely to survive a long-distance relationship, what with me screwing things up during the two times that we managed to meet up in the last four years. So I find myself suddenly left with a huge void in my life. Now, you may say that there are many more fishes in the sea, but for a person who have problems with opening up and forming intimate relationships, this is almost equivalent to teaching a pig to fly.
I was coping with this as best I could, but then another blow came last week. A colleague called me 'stupid' to my face because of a small mistake on my part. Now, I do not have a very active social life. My closest friends are my colleagues -- people that I spend the most time with every day, and who share the same experiences in the workplace with me, which means that there are more topics for conversations. I have given them as much support as I could, and have never put them down in any way, even when they made mistakes. After a hard day's work, it feels good to hang out with them and share jokes or classroom stories. So, you can imagine how hurtful it was to hear that word being said to me. Not wanting to create a scene, I just walked away. That same colleague seemed to realise her mistake and tried to be chummy with me again, but the damage was done. And she did not even apologise for her outburst. I was sure that this incident was known by our clique of friends in school. They were concerned, but nobody dared to broach the subject with me. All of a sudden, I felt so alone and betrayed. I had given so much time and effort to look out for them, and this was what I got for a little mistake? It was just a rude awakening for me that maybe colleagues can't be considered true friends. And if they were not true friends, I have no one else close to me...
For two days, I cried when I thought of this. The only other people I could turn to were my family. They were the only ones who would not judge me. Instead, I am allowed to be myself around them. So when the pain felt too hard to bear, I went home to my parents. I never tell them my problems, but just being with them and talking with them about mundane things in life lifts my spirit. Doubly so if I can make them laugh at my jokes. Then, out of nowhere, I had a fallout with my dad yesterday. I have always had a rocky relationship with my dad. Both of us are strong-headed and obviously have very different worldviews. We can't see eye to eye most of the time. To be fair, both of us have made enormous compromises in order to maintain a decent relationship. Don't get me wrong. I acknowledge all the sacrifices he has made for the family and I want to be a good daughter, but somehow, intentionally or unintentionally, we get on each other's nerves. He has a bad temper and is very sensitive, and yesterday, when he was yelling at me for not understanding him, I lost it and yelled back at him. I was just advising him and guiding him in his walking (he has weak legs and needs people to support him as he walks). I was not even yelling or complaining, and yet he took it the wrong way as usual, and started scolding me. Obviously my yelling at him after that hurt his pride and the next time I tried to help him again, he yelled at me even more and told me to get out of his sight, as far away as possible.
I am just wondering if anything else can top what I have been experiencing so far. I am desperately looking for a ray of hope. I don't know in what form it will be, but... anything... anything that will stop this seemingly endless blows on my emotional well-being. It seems to me that people who have been my emotional support all this while are getting decimated day by day. The ONLY person I can turn to now is my mom. God forbid that anything else would happen to sever even this relationship. They say that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am hanging on to the hope that I will reach the end of this tunnel soon.
